Harry Potter and the Stoned Philosopher
by Fanfic Authors' Fanfic Author
Summary: What happens when Hermione is persuaded to try REALLY Magic mushrooms? R for drugs. Jeez theyr not even REAL drugs! HILARIOUS in the really random part which starts around chapter 4! Read! Review!
1. The Beginning

Disclaimer: These characters all belong to JKR but since she would never do anything this weird with them that's alright. Review this, it's gonna be hilarious!  
  
Harry Potter wandered idly through the hallways. It was the winter break of his seventh year and he had taken to exploring unknown corners of the school, while Ron and Hermione were... busy. He was now lost. He was therefore surprised to hear voices coming from an unused class-room in a hallway full of unused class-rooms. He crept cautiously towards it...  
  
As he got closer, he realized that one of the voices was Malfoy's. Now certain that the occupants of the classroom were up to no good (this was Malfoy, after all), Harry peeked around the open door.  
  
"Right, so that's ten galleons and you come back here this time next month." Malfoy said quietly.  
  
A wide-eyed Slytherin third year handed over the money and received a small bag in return. "How do I know it's the real thing?" He asked suspiciously.  
  
Malfoy grinned. "Well, if you don't feel like your eyeballs have crawled out of your head the next morning, I'll give you a refund, shall I? Now scram!"  
  
Harry saw the third year hurrying towards the door and ran for it.  
  
Later in the common room, as Hermione and Ron emerged from wherever they had gone this time, Harry told them what he had seen.  
  
"But this is SERIOUS!" Exclaimed Hermione. "If Malfoy is selling drugs to innocent third-years, we have to tell Dumbledore!"  
  
Ron snorted. "Oh, come on, Hermione, get real! Who cares if Slytherins get wizzed? Besides, it might not be what you think!" At this point Hermione slapped him. "Ow! What was that for?" He cried.  
  
"Yeah, and what's 'wizzed'?" Harry asked, puzzled.  
  
"It's like getting stoned, only with magic." Ron explained patiently.  
  
"And it's got really unpleasant side-effects!" Said Hermione. "People have DIED, horribly! It's been on the news and everything! They didn't get all of that poor boy off the ceiling for DAYS!!!"  
  
Harry looked puzzled. "If the side effects are that horrible, why do people take them?"  
  
"They transport you to a whole new plane of reality that those stupid old wizards haven't even properly explored!" Ron enthused ".Besides, they're okay if you don't overdose, or get addicted... Why are you looking at me like that Hermione? Hermione? Hermione!" But she had rushed off upstairs in tears.  
  
"Nice one, Ron." 


	2. Hermione Decides

Ron and Harry were sitting by the lake. Hermione was still not talking to Ron, but Harry was curious about these wizard drugs he had never heard of before.  
  
"So, you've tried them, then?"  
  
"Yeah," Ron said gloomily, "and they haven't scraped ME off the ceiling yet, no matter what Hermione says."  
  
"Oh. Umm... so what are they like?"  
  
"Well, most of them are just the usual, you know, heightened reality stuff - whatever you feel, you feel MORE of it. Most people use them when they're having sex or something- oh, sorry," he added as Harry winced, remembering his painful advances towards Cho last week - thank god she was away for the holidays! "Well, anyway, the drawback is, if you feel like shit, you REALLY feel like shit. But Magic Mushrooms are different. They're new."  
  
"Magic mushrooms? Aren't they a muggle drug?" Harry asked, frowning.  
  
"Nah, these are different Magic Mushrooms. They're really magic, for one thing! See, they sort of take you to this other place; it's kind of like the realm of your imagination, only you're actually THERE, not just imagining it like with muggle hallucinogens."  
  
"Wow."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
There was a rustling in the bushes and Hermione appeared. "Ron, I have to talk to you. You can't take these things, no matter what! You know the dangers! Please! Ron, I don't want to lose you!"  
  
"Aw come on Hermione! Nothing's going to happen to me!"  
  
"It isn't worth it!"  
  
"Don't knock it if you haven't tried it!" 


	3. Redecorating

"I must be crazy," Hermione muttered as she poured the white powder into the tube.  
  
"It'll be alright, Hermione." Ron assured her. "And after this you'll be entitled to whatever opinions you want about Magic Mushrooms, because you'll be speaking from experience!"  
  
"Um, Ron?" Harry asked cautiously. "How do we... like, do we smoke it or something?"  
  
"Oh, no, you just put the end of your wand into the tube and say the words. Smoking is unhealthy."  
  
Hermione laughed shrilly. "And I suppose having your insides splattered across the scenery is really healthy!"  
  
"Calm down, Hermione!"  
  
"Calm down?! They won't have to bury us; they can just redecorate over the top!!"  
  
"Well, they might, if you don't calm down." Ron explained seriously.  
  
"W-what?"  
  
"You see, it's very dependent on your mental state at the time. That boy on the news? He'd just had an argument with his parents. If you're agitated it can overload your nervous system."  
  
"Well of course I'm fucking agitated! They'll be able to bury me in a plastic bag!"  
  
"Hermione - you swore!"  
  
"Why do you think?"  
  
"Look, just-" Ron sighed and performed a Calming Spell. Thankfully he'd mastered this since his last attempt in class, which had left Harry lethargic all through Potions and caused him to fall face-first into a cauldron of Stink Sap.  
  
Hermione's face held a familiar blank look for a while, and then she shook her head and said "Okay, I'm ready!" 


	4. Then it got weird

They each stuck their wands into their respective white tubes and intoned "manee diot eye" over and over again. You try it! As the blackness closed in on them Ron muttered a quick spell to keep them together in the Land Of The Stoned Philosophers.  
  
When they opened their eyes they were in a small purple outdoor toilet.  
  
"Ummm... Ron?" Harry asked cautiously as Hermione whimpered. "Where the hell are we?"  
  
"I think this is the landing space. Their version of 'outside' is pretty erratic, so when I asked to keep us together, it put us inside."  
  
"Great." Whispered Hermione. "Now what?"  
  
"Well, when we go outside it could get weird... heck, it WILL get weird! That's why it's so fun!"  
  
They eased open the door and stepped onto what appeared to be a blue plain surrounded by purple hills under a green sky, with purple toilet cubicles at random intervals.  
  
"Well... it seems okay so far..." Hermione said nervously.  
  
They took a step forward. It got weird.  
  
The whirling multicoloured octopuses, they could handle. The burning kittens happily playing catch on the flying saucer, they could handle. It was the gigantic spider in the postman's uniform that made all of them, including Ron, scream and run for the toilet.  
  
"Oh my god, that was weird!" Hermione gasped.  
  
"You can say that again!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"Oh my god, that was weird!" Hermione gasped.  
  
"You can say that again!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"Oh my god, that was weird!" Hermione gasped.  
  
"You can say that again!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"Oh my god, that was weird!" Hermione gasped.  
  
"You can say that again!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"Oh my god, that was weird!" Hermione gasped.  
  
"I'm getting dÐ¹jÐ° vu!" Ron cried, clutching his head in confusion.  
  
"Ron!" Harry yelled, slamming the door and leaning on it. "There's an infinite number of monkeys outside that want to talk to us about this script for Hamlet they've worked out!" 


	5. Short but succinct

"Ron, what is this place?" Hermione whispered. "You *have* done this before, haven't you?"  
  
"Um..." Ron looked sheepish. "Only once."  
  
"ONCE?" Hermione screamed. "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IS OUT THERE?"  
  
"Um... kinda..."  
  
"KINDA?!?! Excuse me Harry I'm just going outside to have a heart attack." *door opens* *door slams* *pause* *scream* *door opens* *door slams* "Right. Where were we?"  
  
"Um... you were having a heart attack?"  
  
"Okay, let's try that again."  
  
They purposefully stepped towards the door, each privately knowing that they would make a run for the toilet as soon as anything happened. This was unfortunately impossible as the toilets all disappeared the moment they stepped outside.  
  
They found themselves in the middle of a shiny yellow road with a metal guy and an annoying little girl with a homicidal dog.  
  
"What the?!" Yelped Ron, sitting down abruptly. "Where are we? Who are they? And why is all this straw stuffed down my overalls? ...wait... overalls?"  
  
Harry looked down at himself. He appeared to have been redecorated in tasteful shades of brown and yellow, and he was sure he hadn't had a tail before. He reached up. Yup, he had a mane. Then he looked over at Hermione and screamed in terror, as she had been outfitted in three tons of black lace, complete with pointy hat and warts, and...  
  
"H-hermione" Harry gasped, "Y-you're green!"  
  
Ron got up. "What the hell is going on?"  
  
Harry quickly explained to Ron about The Wizard of Oz. Ron scratched his head. "What do these Muggles come up with. So... I'm supposed to be this, scarecrow dude," he glanced disgustedly at his grimy overalls, "with dubious personal hygiene, and you're a Cowardly Lion."  
  
Hermione stamped her foot. "So what am I, the Wicked Witch of the West or something?"  
  
At this point a house fell on her. 


	6. Curiouser and curiouser

Okay, tell me in a review if the quotation marks have been replaced by weird symbols, maybe its just the preview... if it isn't I'm complaining!  
  
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The annoying little girl said her name was Dorothy, and flatly refused to help them extricate Hermione from the wreckage, so they had to do it themselves. When Hermione came tottering out, Dorothy burst into tears.  
  
"She's bad! Bad bad bad! Get her, Toto!"  
  
The dog attempted to bite Hermione's ankles.  
  
Hermione kicked the dog.  
  
Dorothy threw a tantrum, shrieking "She's killed Toto, she's killed Toto!" although the dog merely became confused and was attempting to bite a nearby tree.  
  
The Tin Man said: "Don't worry, Dorothy, I shall kill the Wicked Witch!"  
  
He then stopped dead in his tracks.  
  
As Dorothy tried to sort out her can of oil, Ron, Harry and Hermione got the hell out of there.  
  
They reached a bend in the road, and stood there, gasping for breath. As Harry opened his mouth to say something, the landscape suddenly swirled around them... 


	7. I finally figured out what was wrong wit...

Okay, tell me in a review if the quotation marks have been replaced by weird symbols, maybe its just the preview... if it isn't I'm complaining!  
  
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Miami at sunset... *FLIP* Random dining room... *FLIP* Dark forest... *FLIP* Australian outback... *FLIP* Graveyard... *FLIP*  
  
*FLIP*  
  
As the background settled, Hermione stopped screaming, Ron threw up again, and Harry fell over. They now appeared to be at an uninhabited tea party. Seeing the wide range of cakes on the infinitely long table, Ron quickly forgot his earlier queasiness and started running towards it, when the prostrate Harry grabbed his ankle, causing him to fall over.  
  
"Shhh!" Hermione whispered. "Listen!"  
  
The three friends slowly crept forward to the lilting strains of "Clean cup, clean cup!"  
  
Glancing at each other, they walked along the length of the table until they caught up with a talking hare and a lunatic in a hat, who were moving rapidly from chair to chair, accompanied by a small mouse which was actually doing most of the eating and a bewildered little girl in a stupid dress.  
  
Ron cautiously tapped the hare on the shoulder. "Um... what's this?"  
  
"Why, it's my un-birthday party!"  
  
Harry and Hermione exchanged glances. "Oh, no!"  
  
"What's a un-birthday?"  
  
"Well, one day of the year it's your birthday, the rest, it's your un- birthday!"  
  
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of!"  
  
The hare went off in a huff and the Hatter said: "Now look what you've done! And it's his un-birthday, too, you cad!"  
  
The mouse suddenly sat up, whiskers aquiver. "Cat? Cat? Where? Where?" It then ran up Hermione's dress. Hermione shrieked and jumped three feet into the air, landing in a huge bowl of custard.  
  
"No! I'll save you, Hermione!" Harry and Ron shouted in unison, as they dived into the bowl after her... 


	8. Here we go again

i-luv - damn those bloody symbols! Someone tell me when they stop appearing, meanwhile I'll try not using quotation marks!  
  
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Swimming in custard is not a pleasant experience. Having a mouthful of custard is bad enough - having it in your hair is really bad. But... there are... worse places...  
  
Harry surfaced, spluttering. Everything was yellow.  
  
~Ron?~ He called in yellow confusion. ~Hermione?~  
  
A yellow blob rose from the general yellowness and said, yellowly: ~Arry? Wha? Mione? *cough* *cough* *splutter* *splutter* Everytins yellow!~  
  
Yellow Hermione ascended through the yellow. ~Is everyone alright? What just happened? Is this ... no ... not ... it is ... noooooo ... CUSTARD!!!!!~  
  
As the yellow cleared, Harry wondered yellowly what had happened to the edges of the bowl, which seemed to have disappeared.  
  
When Hermione stopped screaming yellow murder, she yell(ow)ed ~wingardium leviosa!~ but unfortunately instead of levitating themselves out of the yellow custard, all the custard levitated into the yellowish sky, leaving them sprawled on the bottom of the bowl, which was blue.  
  
~I wanna go home!~ wailed Hermione.  
  
So they all clicked their heels and repeated ~There`s no place like home~ until it became obvious that nothing was going to happen. As they gave up and sat down in exhaustion, the landscape finally caught up with events and swirled around them... 


	9. Blah blah

Baka: You only read chapter one?! Jeez, give the random bits a go! They start in chapter three or four. Oh, wait, if you hated it so much you won't be reading this will you? Oh well. And once again thank you to bbc6, it's nice to have a regular non-flamer.  
  
:::: is the sign for an A/N. :: is just random notes. I am now including random people I know in my fanfiction. Watch out for them, you'll be asked questions later! ...or something...  
  
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~Where are we *this* time?~ Ron demanded wearily, when he finished throwing up.  
  
~Wherever we are, I hope there isn`t any custard~ moaned Hermione.  
  
It became evident that custard was not involved when Harry tripped over an umbrella stand and went flying into the large camel which was quietly smoking a peace pipe full of jelly on the grass.  
  
~What the?!~  
  
They were in a small blue clearing in the middle of an endless-looking forest. Its only inhabitants, apart from the camel, appeared to be a tribe of small perpetually wet squirrels which dripped through the undergrowth to steal peanuts from the bowl beside the camel.  
  
~I would be grateful if you would not persist in knocking my pipe over as I am meditating~ intoned the camel.  
  
The three companions stopped and stared. The camel was wearing a tweed jacket and eight-creased trousers, and had a broad-brimmed hat cocked at what was obviously supposed to be a rakish angle.  
  
~This is like, the Anti Fashion Camel or something~ moaned Hermione.  
  
~That will be Sir Camel to you, my friends~ the camel said in an accent which reminded Harry inexplicably of the portrait of Sir Cadagan back at school.  
  
The Camel was suddenly wearing a frayed purple cardigan and holding a pair of knitting needles. The peanuts (which were in the process of being raided by a squirrel) randomly disappeared, to be replaced by a bowl of custard. The squirrel fell over in shock, spraying water (and custard) all over the three VERY perplexed Stoned Philosophers who were wearing characteristic blank expressions.  
  
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::On The Other Side Of The Computer Screen::  
  
~Characteristic of what?~ Stan asked, appearing randomly.  
  
~Nothing, just characteristic in general~ Maggie yelled, glaring in exasperation.  
  
~But they have to be characteristic OF something!~ Stan insisted.  
  
~Just read the damn story!~  
  
~Meeeeeek! Yes maam!~  
  
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~Hello, dears~ the Camel croaked. ~I'm knitting a jumper for my grandson. Oh dear, no there's custard all over it. Oh well, it was the wrong shape anyway, you know. His humps have been operated on recently~  
  
Harry Ron and Hermione looked at one another perplexedly. ::::I like that word::::  
  
Suddenly Hermione screamed. ~No! The custard! It has come back to haunt me! Aaaaaaaaaagh! Gak.~ (This last bit was said as she tripped over the prone squirrel and landed face-first into the bowl of custard)  
  
~No! Hermione!~ Ron cried, diving into the custard after her. ~I will save you!~  
  
Harry frowned thoughtfully. ~Is it just me, or is this a bit familiar?~  
  
::Turn to Previous Chapter for Custard Information::  
  
Ron clutched his head. ~Déjà vu!~ He cried.  
  
~Yes, this would make anyone's head ache~ Hermione muttered, spitting custard.  
  
~No, I'm clutching my head because I missed the custard bowl and hit this Ford Fiesta~ Ron explained patiently.  
  
~Oh, right~ said Hermione, ~...WHAT?!~  
  
And there was indeed an inexplicable Ford Fiesta standing in the clearing... 


	10. The Weirdness Continues

City Slicker: What's wrong with the screen thing? They're for my friends! You can ignore it if you want.  
  
BBC6: Will it get randomer? Let's find out!  
  
i-luv-being-me: Sorry bout that I didn't realize I hadn't updated this one!  
  
My nets actually bin off for about a week (damn servers) so sorry everybody!  
  
Okies everybody, and here is yet another late late update ::hey that rhymes:: from The Fanfiction Author's Fanfiction Author, please review and tell me of anything new and random you would like me to add to this fic - I am forever at your service ::bows all round:: This is the Random Fic so don't expect it to end any time soon, or indeed at all! :-^b :-^) :-J :-D  
  
:: now signify A/N. I am including ::random people I know:: in my fanfiction. Watch out for them, you'll be asked questions later! ...or not...  
  
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The three friends (and a Camel) stared at the car. It grinned at them. ::Yes, cars CAN grin:: They all gasped. The Ford Fiesta Waved at them, still grinning. ::Yes, they can do that too:: They screamed and jumped back, at which point it started singing the Mulberry Song. ::What? What?!!:: Then, it exploded with a loud boom and sent everyone flying, custard and all. ::::Okay, now I admit I'm getting far-fetched. Exploding cars? Pshaw!::::  
  
Hermione, having landed in a tree, looked around for the others, but they were nowhere in sight. It seemed the only living thing in the whole forest which she was suddenly in the middle of was a diminutive ::what? I like that word!:: shivering wet squirrel, which was attempting to cuddle up to her hair for warmth. The good thing about this particular situation was that it put out the rest of the small flames in her hair. At this point the realization dawned on her that Ron, in his instructions out in the "real" world, had neglected to mention one very important thing about the Land of the Stoned Philosophers, namely how to get out...  
  
Harry groaned, and pulled a hubcap out of his unruly hair. He was lying in a heap next to a small pink swimming pool, in which a group of happy flamingoes was taking tea. However, before he had time to wonder what was wrong with this picture, he was whisked away into the kitchen and press- ganged by the cocktail-makers. As he tried to explain that there must have been some sort of mistake, he was dunked in a sherry and told to get on with things, as ::Carol:: the cook had come down with SARS complicated by whooping cough and malaria and had to go home sick.  
  
Ron was shaken awake by the worried-looking Camel on some sort of flat surface. The worry was explained when he sat up and discovered that the flat surface was invisible and they appeared to be suspended 30,000 kms above Kings Cross. When Ron stopped screaming, the Camel put a hand ::um... yeah, hand...:: on his shoulder and said in a worried voice:  
  
"Ron, do you think we are likely to plunge screaming to the ground below and seriously injure an innocent bystander, despite the fact that this is Kings Cross?"  
  
"Bugger the bystanders," Ron muttered, "I'm more worried about seriously injuring OURSELVES!"  
  
At this point the Camel plunged screaming to the ground below and seriously injured an innocent bystander, not to mention himself. 


	11. The Really Really Really Really Short Ch...

Thank you all my reviewers, but pleeeease think of something - this goes for everyone! Otherwise the randomness, and I'm warning you, WILL BE slow to come!  
  
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Hermione, having extricated herself from the tree, wandered around the forest with the squirrel dripping on her hair. After a few hours she realized that she was going round in circles, sat down very calmly on a tree root and began to scream and beat her fists on the ground. The squirrel, which had detangled itself from the Hair Of Doom and was watching from a safe vantage point, cynically observed that this was doing her little good. Hermione froze and carefully turned to look at the squirrel.  
  
"Y-you can talk?" She whispered incredulously.]  
  
"Oops. I didn't say that," the squirrel said guiltily, "and, and I didn't say that either, or that, or, or..... damn."  
  
Hermione blinked at the squirrel. "Okay. I guess I shouldn't be surprised." Suddenly she dived and pinned the struggling squirrel to the ground. "Now tell me how to get out of here!" She hissed.  
  
The squirrel squealed and turned into a random bunch of fossilized cream buns. "Hey," it squeaked, "I didn't say things had to make sense here. You'll probably drift out when the drug wears off."  
  
It then disappeared with a pop and a shower of confetti.  
  
Harry, meanwhile, was working feverishly to make cocktails for the large party of flamingoes. Not knowing anything at all about the art of cocktail making, he basically just dumped in large amounts of everything and gave it a swirl. On second thoughts, he added a little umbrella.  
  
Ron sat there for a few minutes, wondering what to do next. Ambulances were crowded round the innocent Kings Cross bystander and the camel, 30,000 kilometers below. Ron, quite frankly, couldn't be stuffed. He REALLY wanted to get out of here. Now if he could only remember how... 


	12. And Further Weirdness

Thank you all my reviewers!  
  
BBC6: Um, I dunno how to put this, but reviews consisting of 'lol' are, while better than flames or nothing, not exactly constructive.  
  
Vaderisgod: Wow - what a long review. I thought of the oompaloompas already, I just need the main characters to be together again first otherwise there will be no-one to restrain Hermione from strangling the little blighters. However you have given me an amazing insight into the world of randomness and I will certainly use all your ideas except the ones I haven't heard of. ...okay I'll use SOME of your ideas. The Beatles may pose some difficulty.  
  
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Hermione sat with her head in her hands. For a moment there she had thought that perhaps she had a way out. "Never trust a squirrel," she muttered. "Great. Now what?"  
  
She absentmindedly pushed a button on the remote which suddenly had always been lying next to her. There was a  
  
*bzzzzzzzzt*  
  
...and she was suddenly indoors. She barely had time to think "what the-" when Jerry Springer bounded up to her and gave her a warm welcome, which was woolly and several sizes too big. The audience went wild.  
  
"Um... thanks, I think" She looked around. She appeared to be sharing the stage with a drunken girl, a hippie, a small rectangular man with glasses and a laptop, and... the squirrel?!  
  
However before she had the chance to say anything, the squirrel looked around wildly, gave a pop and became a really fat lady in a bikini. The audience went wild.  
  
"Thank you, folks, and welcome to Jerry Springer! Today we are going to interview Random Confused People from other channels and then make fun of them!"  
  
"Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!" Screamed the audience.  
  
Hermione sank down onto her seat in despair.  
  
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The last pink flamingo had finally stumbled off, singing something incoherent about bumblebees. Harry wondered whether three parts Alcohol to one part Other Stuff was a bit too much, but dismissed the idea immediately - after all, the flamingoes seemed happy.  
  
He absentmindedly poured himself a martini, sat down and stared at it. After some contemplation he reached for the bottle of Pure Alcohol and emptied it into his mug.  
  
He sat and stared at his drink for a moment more; trying to remember what it was he was supposed to do with it. It was on the tip of his tongue; he had done it to about half the drinks he'd mixed already... oh, yes.  
  
Harry tipped up the mug and poured its contents into his mouth. He swallowed, coughed a couple of times, and promptly fell over.  
  
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Ron woke up to find himself lying on a park bench. He sat up and frowned. His recent memory seemed to involve flat invisible space, high in the air. Oh well.  
  
He yawned and stretched and asked a random passerby what the time was.  
  
Then he realized there were no random passersby. In fact there were no passersby at all.  
  
Ron scratched his head and started walking down the empty street. Suddenly a random giant truck ran him over. 


	13. On with the Show

Thank you all my reviewers! Especially those that ACTUALLY REVIEW!!!! This is the thirteenth chapter and I really hope it isn't an unlucky number because I doubt my number of reviewers could get any unluckier.  
  
Disclaimer: And neither do I own Jerry Springer, Promotional Dudes With Laptops, Kit, Seven, Home and Away, the Nature Channel, oh I could go on forever only I'm not going to.  
  
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"Soooooo... what channel are you from?" Jerry Springer asked the drunken girl brightly.  
  
"Sod off. Waaaaaaaaaaah! Seven wont let me do a proper bein' drunk scene on Home and Away!" Wailed Kit, for that was who she was.  
  
"Ah, and we can all see you'd be excellent at that!" Jerry looked pointedly at the audience, who all burst out laughing.  
  
"Oh? Jush cos I'm thrink you dunk I'm stupid, huh? Think I'm a frunken dreak, do ya? Huh?" Kit snarled.  
  
"Why yes, as a matter of fact we do!" Jerry Springer said, motioning once more to the audience, who laughed uproariously. Kit burst out crying. "And ON to the next victim- uh I mean Confused Person." He grinned brightly at the nerdy dude, who was busily typing on his laptop. "What channel are YOU from, and why are YOU confused?!"  
  
"The man looked up from his laptop. "Well, this laptop is actually the new Model 610000000 from Simbry which is a company you've never heard of, and it does all kinds of cool stuff like typing and, and, wait, was that model 609999999? Oh I'm botching this up aren't I?" He wailed. Kit started to sob and beat her fists on the floor.  
  
"Why, yes, as a matter of fact you are!" Said Jerry Springer, as the audience, who was getting the hang of things, laughed. "You're a pretty idiotic Promotional Dude aren't you?"  
  
The confused Promotional Dude burst into tears as Jerry moved on to Hermione, who was covered in dirt and had twigs in her hair. "Well, now... stop laughing now you fools! Right. Now. You're obviously from the Nature Channel aren't you?" There was a brief silence. "Why isn't anyone laughing?!" Jerry demanded.  
  
"Oi, give us a break, man! You only just told us to stop!" A random guy from the audience called.  
  
Jerry nodded to the tough looking guys standing at the exit in leather jackets which said "Guys That Drag People Away Kicking and Screaming" and they dragged Random Guy away, kicking and screaming. The audience looked around nervously and started laughing.  
  
"Now, where were we? Ah, yes, so how IS the nature channel these days?"  
  
Hermione, to save time, burst into tears. The audience laughed. Jerry sighed and motioned the Guys who dragged Hermione away, kicking and screaming.  
  
"No! No! I have to find out what channel the fat lady was from!!"  
  
The audience laughed.  
  
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Harry woke up with a horrible taste in his mouth. Contrary to all the literary rules surrounding Hangover Scenes, he was not in bed with anyone or anything; his clothes were all on the right appendages and right side out; and he knew exactly where he was, which was the same place he'd passed out in.  
  
However for the sake of correctness, he still said "where am I". He then rolled around, screamed a bit, and stumbled to his feet, clutching his head. He was a bit disappointed to find all of the above was true, and in fact, the place hadn't been trashed either.  
  
He walked outside and blinked in the sunlight, feeling as though he was about to throw up. Then the landscape swirled around him and he did throw up.  
  
However it was not a random scene change, it was just the hangover.  
  
Harry passed out again.  
  
The landscape swirled around him properly this time, melting away the pool full of suspicious yellow liquid (let me guess... custard?) and the cocktail bar, but Harry was too unconscious to notice.  
  
****************  
  
Ron, obviously, was not dead, despite being run over by an eighteen- wheeler. Because, in fact, this was NOT the real world, and only epileptics, people with back injuries or prone to heart attacks or stressed or too old or too young or on a rollercoaster or schizophrenic or latent schizophrenic or with broken bones or HIV or arthritis or measles or the flu or malaria or on some other drug or really, really full or chewing gum or pregnant or at a very high altitude or constricted by something or other or drunk or with a tumor or, for some reason, wearing a purple bandanna, could possibly be harmed in any way by the drug.  
  
So, when he was hit by a random giant truck out of nowhere, I'm just reassuring all my readers on this, Ron was not repeat NOT hurt, he was merely transported to a different random scene because this one was getting boring.  
  
Thank you all for bearing with me during that totally random, stupid and unnecessary explanation. 


	14. Together Again

Thank you all my reviewers! Especially those that ACTUALLY REVIEW!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: And neither do I own Jerry Springer, Promotional Dudes With Laptops, Kit, Seven, Home and Away, the Nature Channel, oh I could go on forever only I'm not going to.  
  
*********************************  
  
Hermione was dumped in the deserted street outside, next to a dead body and a weird drunk guy who was mumbling in his sleep.  
  
She groaned and sat up. "Oh, I just want to find Harry and Ron and get out of here!" She wailed.  
  
The drunk dude shot to his feet. "Wha? Hermione? Ron? What's going on? Where are the flamingoes?" For of course this was Harry.  
  
And the dead body was.... danananah! ....Ron! (der)  
  
So now our happy trio is together again, but this empty street is horribly boring so...  
  
*The landscape swirled around them*  
  
"RON!!!"  
  
"HARRY!!!"  
  
"HERMIONE!!!'  
  
When they all stopped screaming they considered looking around to see what weird landscape swirl they'd got into this time.  
  
Then they all screamed and covered their eyes because they seemed to have been transported to the Senior Citizens Lawn Bowls Club changing room (A/N: Uuuugh... yes I know I'm evil!)  
  
"Oh my god I did not need to see that!" Hermione whispered urgently.  
  
"What do we do?" Ron moaned.  
  
"Okay," Harry said, "let's not panic. There's two doors over there, I'm betting one of them leads to the showers and one outside."  
  
"Ahm... I'm guessing we go for outside?"  
  
"Yah."  
  
"Okay, on three... one, two-" At this point all three ran like hell for the door.  
  
Harry wrenched it open, they all piled through, leaned on it and panted.  
  
Then they looked up into the steam and screamed "WRONG DOOR!!!!" in unison. They ran screaming back through the door, into the change room and out the other door, which led to a random tropical island.  
  
The door then disappeared.  
  
"Okay, that was an experience I do NOT want to repeat in a hurry!" Hermione yelled, her eyes glowing suspiciously red. "And I have had a BAD day and RON if you do not get us OUT of here I am going to SCREAM!!!!!"  
  
"Um, Hermione, you're already screaming." Ron pointed out tactfully.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!  
  
Ron and Harry decided this would be a good time to cower.  
  
Hermione rushed around screaming for a bit, then whacked into a handy post box and fell down unconscious.  
  
The two boys blinked at her for a while.  
  
"Reckon we ought to do something?" Ron asked nervously.  
  
"Naw, she's quieter that way."  
  
"Yeah." 


	15. The Island of Wossname

Thank you all my reviewers! Especially those that ACTUALLY REVIEW!!!! i-luv-being-me: oh, good laughs simply *abound* in this story. That might be why I have so MANY intelligent reviewers!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Get over it.  
  
*********************************  
  
When Hermione came to the unlucky trio explored the island, which contained three leather armchairs, one lonely palm tree, two coconuts and a herd of neurotic unidentified hoofed creatures, the postbox having mysteriously disappeared.  
  
They pulled the armchairs over to what measly shade the tree provided and argued over the coconuts.  
  
"I still think we should eat them now and save the shells to store water in!" Ron insisted. "It might not rain for days, and then we'll have to drink seawater and we'll all go mad! Mad I tell you!"  
  
"...umm... sit down Ron..." Harry said cautiously, prising from Ron's grasp the random chameleon shaped mallet that he had been brandishing.  
  
"Husks," announced Hermione authoritatively.  
  
The other two goggled at her.  
  
"Coconuts. They don't have shells, they have husks."  
  
"Whatever. The point is - AaUUGH!" One of the mysterious hoofed creatures had wandered up and was chewing Ron's hat.  
  
"Hmmm." Hermione pondered, "It seems to be some sort of goat..."  
  
"Nah," said Harry, "No horns."  
  
"Whatever it is, it's eating my HAT!" Shrieked Ron.  
  
"Okay now calm down, lets just... umm..."  
  
"Um," Harry said. "Has anyone realised the palm tree is multiplying?"  
  
And indeed, upon looking around, they saw more teees growing everywhere, far too rapidly.  
  
"Urgh" Hermione said, "I feel dizzy."  
  
So, all of a sudden, they were in the middle of a jungle.  
  
"Um," Ron murmured, "I don't want to worry you, but there are bright little eyes peering out of the undergrowth."  
  
"If you don't want to worry us, why did you say that??"  
  
They slowly backed into the centre of the clearing. The eyes watched them.  
  
"What do we do now?" whispered Hermione.  
  
"Panic?" Ron said hopefully.  
  
They panicked. 


	16. The Complete Lack of Resemblance to Dobb...

Thank you all my reviewers! Especially those that ACTUALLY REVIEW!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Get over it.  
  
*********************************  
  
The sinister glowing eyes stared out at them from the undergrowth.  
  
Hermione looked around wildly for an escape route.  
  
Harry looked around wildly for a weapon.  
  
Ron whimpered.  
  
Then, a small, ugly, wizened figure bearing an uncanny resemblance to an orange on a stick emerged from a bush.  
  
Harry gasped. "Dobby?!"  
  
"No, Harry Potter sir! I is not Dobby, although I bear an uncanny resemblance to an orange on a stick. I is not Gollum either, just so you know."  
  
"Then what ARE you?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Er..." Said the figure. "Okay, tell'er, boys!"  
  
A number of small ugly wizened figures bearing uncanny resemblance to oranges on sticks walked forward from the shadows. A strange, unearthly chant started up...  
  
"OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPA DEE DOO! WE ARE NOT CURRENTLY PLANNING TO EAT YOU! OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPA DEE DEE! IF YOU HAVE CHOCOLATE WE WILL SET YOU FREE!"  
  
The trio exchanged worried glances. Ron whimpered again. Harry gawped, and Hermione frantically searched through her pockets.  
  
Harry opened his mouth, a drop of sweat running down his face, and said: "Er... are you SURE you aren't Dobby?"  
  
He was then bombarded with small, icky-looking caterpillars.  
  
"Gotcha!" Cried Hermione triumphantly. She held out a bag of chocolate frogs. "Chocolate! And, they have collectable cards inside!"  
  
"Co-llec-table...?" Said the head small ugly wizened figure bearing an uncanny resemblance to an orange on a stick. "What is this new magic?"  
  
"You... uh, try to collect all the cards... inside the chocolate frogs..." Hermione said nervously. She held out the bag. There was a sound like two hundred small ugly wizened figures bearing an uncanny resemblance to an orange on a stick sniffing the air. Ron whimpered again. And then a cloud of sma- er... (A/N: Bugger that!) SWUFBURTOA, descended upon Hermione and disappeared with her chocolate frogs.  
  
Fading into the distance could be heard the lilting strains of "OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPA DEE DEE! CAN YOU SWAP MERLIN FOR MORWEN WITH ME?"  
  
"Whew," said Hermione with relief, albeit somewhat hysterically. "That was a close one, wasn't it??!! Lucky I had those frogs, isn't it??!! Ha-ha!! Close call, huh??!! Ron, stop whimpering or I will ring your neck and feed you to the oompa loompas. "  
  
"Umm... you can't die here, remember?" Said Harry, from behind a tree.  
  
"No, but I sure hope you can feel pain." Said Hermione grimly.  
  
Ron shut up.  
  
"Right. Now, HOW THE HECK DO WE GET OUT OF HERE TELL ME RON OR I REALLY WILL RING YOUR NECK! I AM NOT IN A GOOD MOOD! I HAVE SPENT THE MORNING BEING BLOWN UP, AND GETTING LAUGHED AT BY JERRY SPRINGER, AND SWIMMING IN CUSTARD, AND TRADING IN CHOCOLATE WITH DOBBY-LIKE CREATURES, AND- AND- and... oh shit"  
  
Harry had edged out from behind the trees and had been attempting to tap her on the shoulder through half the speech. The reason for this, she soon saw when she stopped chucking a, was that the Oompa Loompas with, she suddenly noticed, sharp pointy teeth, were back, bearing an even uncannier resemblance to oranges on sticks, and they were not happy.  
  
"OOMPA LOOMPA DOOPA DEE DOO! WE ARE NOT HAPPY WITH YOU! OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPA DEE DEE! WE DO NOT LOOK LIKE DOBBY!"  
  
"Uhh... no... of COURSE you don't," Hermione said shrilly. "W-why would y- you? Heh. Heh."  
  
The head Oompa Loompa came forward. "We is hearing you, Miss Granger. You is calling us Dobby-like creatures. We is not liking this, Miss Granger. We is a trifle pissed off at you Miss Granger. We has also discovered that this packet of Chocolate Frogs contains three Merlins and no Morgiana the Ugly. We is noticing as well that the great Willy Wonka does not appear on the collect-em list. We is not happy about that either."  
  
Ron started to whimper again. Hermione kicked him.  
  
Soon they were surrounded by completely UN-Dobby-like Oompa Loompas with an uncanny resemblance to oranges on sticks. Then the chanting started up again.  
  
"OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPA DEE DOO! I HAVE A SICKLY SWEET TALE OF WISDOM FOR YOU! OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPA DEE DEE! IF YOU ARE WISE YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME! DO YOU EVER HEAR OF PEOPLE WHO REALLY PISSED US OFF? NO! WELL THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT! WE TIE THEM UP AND FEED THEM TO THE SNOZZWANGERS AND THE WANGDOODLES!"  
  
Harry gulped. He turned to Hermione to ask what they were going to do now, but stopped when he saw her face getting red.  
  
She took a deep breath, and started screaming for the fourth time since they had entered this goddamned island.  
  
"You small ugly wizened figures bearing an uncanny resemblance to an orange on a stick are bloody well just as ANNOYING as Dobby and if you don't tell us how to get OUT of here and then bugger OFF you will be REALLY in for it because I am NOT in a good mood right now and I REALLY want to strangle something and YOU are the closest!"  
  
The Oompa Loompas stopped dead in shock. Several of the wiser ones were prudently high-tailing their distinctly unDobbyish asses the hell outa there. Hermione was just getting warmed up.  
  
Ron joined Harry behind the tree.  
  
"So...," he said after a while, "uh... read any good books lately?"  
  
They both looked away, humming nonchalantly, and tried to ignore the screaming, and the occasional thud of an Oompa that got too close.  
  
Harry risked a glance around the tree and winced. "If the landscape doesn't do the swirling thing soon," he said worriedly, " - "  
  
The landscape swirled around them. 


	17. Objection your Honor!

Thank you all my reviewers! Especially those that ACTUALLY REVIEW!!!!  
  
i-luv-being-me: Actually, I suggest you STOP reviewing until you have something USEFUL to say. No, that was mean, but really, much as I LOVE unsubstantiated praise, suggestions are the main reason for my even reading reviews...  
  
blackbeltchick06: Thanks. Same to you.  
  
tor-and-fenris: Stop picking on the Creatures-that-are-not-dobby. You obviously have a custard obsession as well as a bagel obsession...  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Get over it.  
  
*********************************  
  
Hermione suddenly found herself sitting in a large wooden room with a humongous book of law in front of her.  
  
As she looked up from it, puzzled, she noticed Ron in what looked very much like a witness stand and Harry in what seemed to be chains in front of a judge with a large mallet who bore an amazingly coincidental resemblance to McGonagall.  
  
She blinked in puzzlement.  
  
Harry also looked tremendously confused. "Why... uh, why am I in, like, chains?"  
  
"Silence! Order in the court!" The judge shouted. "We shall now proceed. Mr Malfoy, please state your case."  
  
The three gaped as Draco Malfoy stepped out, smirking and carrying a briefcase with silver butterfly clasps to match his hair.  
  
"Your honour," he began, "The accused, who is accused of a grievous crime, was seen on a Monday morning, second of March, 3:31 in the afternoon, at-"  
  
"Get on with it!" The judge snapped. "We all know the stated facts! You spoke of them at length before the arrival of the defense! I have a migraine! And I also think I'm drowning in grease! Just question the damn witness!"  
  
"Right," smirked Malfoy, walking up to Ron. "Where were you on March the second?!"  
  
"Uh... umm... er..." stumbled Ron.  
  
"Did you or did you not see the accused getting out of bed on the morning in question?!"  
  
"Er.. um... er... yes... er... um..."  
  
"Your honour, I rest my case."  
  
The judge blinked and frowned. "How is this conclusive evidence?"  
  
"Well, your honour," Malfoy said, smiling evilly, "if I may quote volume two, chapter three, page twelve, paragraph seven, clause 1 (iii) which states that, with the exception of extenuating circumstances mentioned in chapter one, page five, paragraph four, subclause 3 (iv)-"  
  
"That's alright! Just, just convict the accused. And someone get me an aspirin! ...and a towel."  
  
With this some armed penguins in police uniforms dragged Harry away as a lackey ran to the judge with a tablet and a glass of water.  
  
"No! Harry!" Cried Hermione. But it was too late, he was gone...  
  
"RON!!!!!"  
  
Ron looked up at Hermione, who had a VERY evil glint in her eyes. "Oh, SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!" 


End file.
